SOMEONE SAVE JACK OSBOURNE 3-16-04
Jack Osbourne is one Big Mac away from the grave.
It finally happened...
When I got back from the gym this morning I was flipping through the channels on the boob tube and I stumbled on "THE BEST DAMN SPORTS SHOW PERIOD." Not a show I generally watch, but Sharon and a strikingly obese Jack Osbourne were on the chair opposite Tom Arnold, Jon Salley, and whatever other former celebrity they could talk into hosting this dreck.
I sadly only caught the last 2 minutes of the interview, but it was time enough for the director to cut to a profile angle of Jack, revealing what I've been waiting for, for a long time.
That's right ladies and gentlemen...Jack Osbourne's neck fat has finally merged with his face fat! Thus eliminating any distinction of a jaw line or chin. His neck/face has finally formed into one giant bulbous and gelatinous mass starting at what would be his fat covered collar bone to his fat shielding curly hair mop! This Neck-Head O' Lard look is much reminiscent of the late John Candy, who died in part due to his uberfatness.
Put a word on the street! Somebody in the California underworld, or an MTV staffer has got to make an emergency delivery to the Osbourne's house of whatever illegal substances Jack used to be on that kept his weight maintained STAT!
He used to keep it steady with the TV friendly "pleasantly plump and cuddly kid with big ass glasses look" made popular by that kid who played Ralphie from the movie "A CHRISTMAS STORY." Ralphie probably would have hung out with Jack a few years ago, but if he were to get a look at his new grotesque appearance, Ralphie would only have two words to say to Jack.
I know Jack wants so badly to be an American, but c'mon Jack, listen to me pal, becoming hyper obese just to fit in with the American standard is gonna kill ya. Unless you are beefing up for a staring roll in a John Hughes remake of Uncle Buck , then I can understand, because you are packing on the pounds "for your art." But if that isn't the case, lay off the happymeals and ring dings OK there tubby...I mean buddy?
Just another day in the life of an Art Juggernaut.
-Cojo