RAN-D OFF TO EUROPE 5-29-04
Breaking up is a bitch, and it also sucks when you have a lot of work in, because as any artist or freelancer can verify, deadlines don't give a shit about your personal life. It also sucks when the break up falls in the same week that one of your good friends is leaving the country for four months.
When my old time friends and close family found out about my breakup they consoled me, either over the phone, e-mail's, or over beers at some local bars, buying me rounds and such, trying to get my mind off it-as any good friends should. The problem being that I have had so much work in, I couldn't really relax and enjoy myself.
Ran-D, (fellow artist and old time friend-who has shared many a drunken night adventuring the city scene with me as of late) was leaving for Copenhagen with his fashion designer girlfriend Louise whom he met at Josh Clark's birthday party a few months ago, so although I was in my "just broken up" mindset, the fact that he was leaving took a happy precedence over my woe, as far as hanging out was concerned, therefore it was a celebratory good-bye night of revelry, so it put me in good spirits.
We drove to a bar in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania called TALLY HO's. We have been there a few times, and it's easy to remember the place, because all the hot bartender chicks wear shirts that have the word HO written in large print stretched over their breasts.
There we got pretty hammered, I worse than RAN-D, considering I was drinking away the blues and he was driving. RAN-D decided we should go to the Bethlehem Brew Works next, it was his going away party, so his choice. We've been to this place maybe twice before, and have never had a good time there, but then again, I wasn't single the last few times, so who knew? Being only slightly buzzed RAN-D drove. We hit the road and soon realized we had no idea how to get there. After tooling around in the car for a while we finally found our way after asking directions from someone coming out of another bar.
When we arrived at the Brew Works, we realized that it was pretty beat. A total sausage party, minus a few skanky drunk chicks who looked like they would lip Hoover the countertop if there was any spilled liquor.
We bought a round and were half way through with it when we decided we should just go back to the HO's. Unlike NYC, Pennsylvania and Jersey bars are legally only open to 2am, rather than the 4am I am accustom to, so time was of the essence. We pounded the drinks and got back in the car. We realized that we had no f'kin clue how to get back over to Tally Ho's.
We got lost driving, and ended up in some park, where a cop waved us down and told us that the park was closed. So being that RAN-D was getting on a plane in the morning and still had to pick up these American-European electric plug converters from a friend who's girlfriend works at Radio Shack and had bought them for him earlier in the day RAN-D, much to my reluctance, decided that we should head back home. His party, his choice.
ON THE HIGHWAY back we were speeding along steadily and bitching about how we still should be partying, and how it's retarded to leave before the bars even close. "WE SHOULD BE PARTYING!"
Then, from out of nowhere the traffic started slowing down, until it was at a complete standstill just outside of Easton, PA. Presumably there was some kind of major accident up ahead, about 50 cars in front of us. We sat in the car, me drunk off my ass, RAN-D was obviously buzzed, but the non movement of the car was letting what ever alcohol was in his stomach sink into his system. "If we stay here without moving for too long, I'm going to be drunk!" he exclaimed.
About five minutes later cop cars, fire trucks, ambulances, and all the emergency vehicles you could name went racing along the concrete divider rail to the accident.
"Who knows what's going on up there? But it must be serious." I said as we sat listening to the radio, tuned into the Pennsylvania radio station WZZO blasting cool rock of today and yesterday, and now pissed more than ever that we ever left Tally HO's in the first place.
Then, unexpectedly, and much like moths to a flame it started. Drunks from out of nowhere, started wandering out of their cars, abandoning them as they sit, and slowly stumbled forward along the guard rail. They were just out and carelessly walking the highway towards the accident.
RAN-D (leaning out the window): "Hey, what are you doing!? Hey, drunk girl!"
Drunk Chick: "Waahhh?"
RAN-D: That's kinda stupid! You're gonna get tagged by those cops!"
Drunk Chick: "Ehhh??"
She said as she waved him off and walked on. They were too drunk, or too stupid to care.
A whole procession of them came then, like in the REM Everybody Hurts Video. It was bizarre. Like drunken rats following the drunken pied piper! The cops set up floodlights to light the wreck scene, which was way too far away to inspect the damage from our vantage point. But this just compelled the drunks to walk faster.
By now I had to take a leak, having broken the seal back at the brewery, so I was squirming. For all we knew all the wandering drunks were getting cuffed the second they rounded the last of the stationary cars. We weren't going anywhere.
Fifteen minutes later the procession of drunken kids came wandering back down the highway, RAN-D rolled down the window: "What happened?" One random drunk kid responded: "They said we are going to be here a while, might as well turn your cars off." With that RAN-D killed the engine and hopped out of the car into the night.
The crowd was now heading away from the scene, and starting to mingle.
I bolted out the passenger door and over to the rail on the right side of the highway, hopped the guard rail, and slid down a dirt and loose rock embankment into a farmers field, where I pissed on the crops, before climbing back up.
I walked back to the now mingling crowd of drunks, which had somehow turned into an all out party. Someone had opened up their trunk to unveil a $5000. speaker system that was thumping music at dance club decibels. This just fueled the fire, car doors opened all around as drunks came from everywhere, all gathering by the middle guard rail en masse. Everyone was talking and laughing and cracking jokes, bobbing their heads to the music. EVERYONE WAS DRUNK! AND BRAGGING ABOUT HOW DRUNK THEY WERE!!!
This was one of those scary times when you realize that at a certain point of night, if you are driving on the highway, 9 out of 10 cars driving around you, must be manned by drunk drivers!
Somehow we had turned Route 22 into a party strip. It was surreal to say the least.
Some drunks were hopping the center concrete divider and barely dodging traffic (the other side was fully functioning) only to take a piss all the way on the other side of the highway. After seeing that hassle, others started just whipping out and pissing right on the divider. It was a very odd spectacle.
Then one drunk suggested that we have an afterparty. A party-after the highway party. This afterparty would take place at the Tic Tock diner in Easton immediately after the jam got cleaned up. The word spread through the crowd and it was agreed upon. Then, as quickly as the traffic had slowed down, the engines in the front of the pack roared to life and the traffic started moving again.
We found our car and before you knew it we were in the Tic Tock Diner hanging out with some of the kids from the highway party. We somehow ended up explaining the meaning of life, and how the female mind works (as if we, or any other men know) to a bunch of high school seniors, until the sun came up.
Bizarre...
Just another day in the life of an Art Juggernaut.
-Cojo