JOSH CLARK'S BIRTHDAY PARTY 1-25-04
My good pal Josh Clark, whom you might remember from all our wild adventures with the Swedish Chicks, sent out an e-vite (evite.com's digital invite service) for his birthday party. The evite spoofed my birthday party evite in that it noted that his party was to be devoid of celebrities, give aways and covercharges (Hey, I didn't have a covercharge!) I just knew this would be a good time.
It was set to be at a bar/resturant/lounge called "THE PARK" The Park,located on 10th Ave. btwn. 17th and 18th street, which I had personally never been to-but from Josh's description sounded pretty classy. I rounded up a few people who were willing the brave the ZERO degree temperatures and we hopped in my car city bound, Ran-D (painter/sculpter) and my brother Brett (who back then was still living in New Brunswick, NJ, now in California) came along for the ride.
The original idea for the three of us was to get to the city early and go to this BIG COMIC BOOK CONVENTION that was happening at one of the convention centers. We wanted to all wear wigs and glasses and go around filming ourselves acting like Jackasses. And I wanted to meet that old Carradine dude from Kung Fu and Kill Bill. We would proceed to the party afterwards.
Sadly, we managed to only secure one wig (which my brother told me looked like a cool British hairstyle, but actually looked like a Charles Nelson Riley fright wig). So we opted to skip the convention and just get to the city in time for the 11:00 party.
We ended up heading out a little later then expected. By the time we got near, it was after 11 and we still wanted to buy some booze and get our drink on a little before we arrived and had to pay through the nose for tiny ice filled glasses (A.K.A. pregaming it). We stopped at a liquor store / bodega in Hoboken and my brother was reminded angrily in broken English with a Korean accent by the shopowner that they don't sell hard alcohol after 10 PM.
I assume she was so angry and annoyed because there was a giant sign right in front of the bottles of hard alcohol that read "No hard alcohol sold after 10pm" which my brother blatantly ignored and just stood there in front of the shelves of hard booze mulling aloud "Now...what do I want...what do I want?"
We ended up buying 3 bottles of Mad Dog. Strongest shit available at that hour. And when I say shit, I mean the taste, not like "THA' SHIT," more like the kind that falls from your arse into the crapper after you eat steak topped with mothballs.
Brett and Ran-D opted for the orange flavor, while I chose the red one figuring it's tough enough for a bartender to mix a good screwdriver, the odds of me liking the orange would be slim to none.
What ever synthetic red flavor they were going for wasn't obvious, cherry, strawberry, cranberry? Who knows? But if they were going for a certain fruit taste, they missed their mark. It reminded me of when you eat blue candy or have a blue kool aid or sports drink. What the hell are they trying to simulate with the blue? Blueberries? The insides of blueberries are green! What fruit in nature is blue?
After a few swigs Ran-D gave up, saying that his drink tasted like a screwdriver that someone had vomited in, which is what I had guessed it would taste like. He couldn't stomach it and handed it off to Brett, whom much like the fictional Life Ceral- posterboy "MIKEY" Brett will drink anything-so long as it has alcohol in it.
Mine, the red colored liquid, tasted like Kool Aid someone had made with Kool Aid mix and Urine instead of water. I could see where Ran-D was coming from with the vomit comparison as well. It resembled cherry cough syrup with an aftertaste of stomach bile. I was reminded of the taste you get in your mouth after you drink a bunch of cranberry vodka's and vomit, if they bottled that, this would be that bottle.
It was freezing so we picked up a cab and backseat chugged this noxious liquid all the way to the Resturant/lounge "The Park". The odd thing, and this should be accredited to the strength of the alcohol, by the last sips of the bottle, I could barley taste it, so I assume, the second bottle-if I were to have had one, would have been a lot easier going down, and would have gotten me rightly schnockered. At 2 bucks a bottle, you can see why this is a wino's after 10PM booze of choice.
We arrived at the club and trashed our empty brown bag covered bottles in the nearest garbage can. We hadn't even gotten throughout the door to the club when a sh*tfaced and exuberant Josh attacked me with happy handshakes. The doorman had to pull him off to get a good look at my ID and see I was of age. Josh directed us to the back, and stressed the coatcheck being in the basement, and the party is in the way, way, back, and up the stairs. We decided to bypass the coatcheck and just headed up wanting to scope out the scene as soon as possible.
We realized once we got up there why Josh had stressed the coatcheck, the 3rd floor, where the party was, felt like the 7th level of Hades. We quickly went back down and checked our coats before heading back up to say hi to all of Josh's crew and acclimate to the temperature.
If you've never been to THE PARK, it's a nice place. It opens into a bar with a few lounging booth type areas to the right where there is a fireplace. If you walk to the left of the bar there is a restaurant area with a lot of tables for ritzy dining, and what looks like outside seating/which seemed to be obviously closed for the season.
If you go past the bar there is a staircase going down to the basement where there is a coat check. Just past that staircase if you go around it rather then down is a second level with a 2 more bars and it opens to the left to another lounging room with a big fireplace. If instead of going left, you go right there is a door to two more big staircases and halls heading up to the top floor, where there is another bar, lots of plush seating a fireplace, a DJ, and a tented in outside patio lounge for smoking, with a Jacuzzi, changing rooms, and heaters.
When we got back to the top floor after checking our coats we reintroduced ourselves to Josh's friends-most of which I have met before at other parties. Zack, Mike, Paul, Emerson, Eric, Carson, Josh's roommate Kay Kay, and a bunch of others. There were also a bunch I hadn't Leslie, Danny, Jessica, Whitney, Sarah, Alana, Alex, Gengis, Trevor, Charlie, Jerry..the list goes on and on.
Me and my boys bought a few drinks and started to mingle.
First Ran-D started talking to a few Russian women. He was talking to one of them, the other had laryngitis. So she was not only mute, she also couldn't understand English. It must have been amazingly difficult to try to have this conversation, but it was funny as f*ck to watch.
The drinks were expensive, but I was out to have a good time. My brother Brett, whom is known for getting drunk and rowdy at parties, was broke, and could only afford one drink, so he was bumming from the get go.
The night wore on and everyone started loosening up. Brett and I decided we should wander down stairs and check out the crowd on the lower levels. Each level was a different climate, woodstoves scattered here and there making one room bearable, the next sweltering.
After doing the rounds once we decided to head back up to the penthouse level. We got to the base of the first staircase only to find that there was a massive human traffic jam of people. They had closed the upstairs, and were only letting people in, when others left.
We tried to sneak through a corridor (the way we came down) but now there was a bouncer there. As we were going to begin to haggle with him we noticed that the other bouncer was getting pissed off at Josh's friend Paul. I the bouncer started dragging Paul and Mike away from the entrance...from the looks of it they were getting kicked out, so Brett and I scrambled out of there so we wouldn't be kicked out by association.
We worked our way back into the room with the human traffic jam. People were fanning themselves and sweating on their shoes. "This is bullsh*t." I said to Brett and I motioned for him to follow. We both bellied up to the bar, and started walking sideways towards the door, skirting the line. Just then the bouncer opened the door and started letting a few people through. We jumped right in behind like the 3rd person, and in a flash we were stumbling back up stairs.
By this time Josh was completely tanked. I was getting a good buzz on, and people (strangers) kept walking up to me and telling me that they love my work, or that they were at my birthday party...etc..etc. Which is always kinda cool, and I got into some good conversations.
I decided to take a load off on the patio and chilled out on a couch by the Jacuzzi under a heater, I could tell the Jacuzzi was empty, because some geek was sitting in it trying to be hip, and failing miserably. I decided to just chill out for a little while and soak in my surroundings.
A frat boy looking guy sat down next to me, he was really plastered and stunk of booze. "Is this your drink?" He blurted out while pointing at a full looking glass sitting on the knee high table in front of me. "Nope." I replied. "Well, it's mine now," he said picking it up.
I then watched as frat boy chugged away, stopping in mid chug to realize that there was an extinguished cigarette dodging ice cubes in the glass. He dropped it as though it were poison, and doing his best Spalding from Caddyshack impression started to gag and wretch. He then ran off holding his mouth as to not expel the vomit. Hilarious...
Josh walked past me a while later and donated his half digested dinner to the chagrin of the patio's shrubbery. Is stomach bile a viable form of fertilizer? Josh couldn't make it to a toilet, so a potted plant sufficed.
Then there was the resident coke dealer guy. You see this type of thing all the time at NYC Clubs. It was just funny to watch this guy work. I'll call him the Mini Pimp. The Mini Pimp was standing outside in his trench coat, just laying in wait for an opportunity.
Three stuck-up blond chicks wandered out, they had been outside before and Ran-D had tried talking to them, and they completely blew him off, so now it was just amusing to see what game they were trying to play.
Well, when they came out this time, the Mini Pimp approached alpha blond and whispered in her ear. They then all followed Mini Pimp into one of the Jacuzzi's 4'x3' changing room, closed the curtain, and came out sniffling and wiping their noses. Before they came out Ran-D and I were cracking jokes "That Mini Pimp either has a shit load of free coke, or his pimp hand is diesel!"
I went in for another drink and when I came back out Ran-D was talking to this chick from Denmark, who is a fashion designer for the group THE ROOTS. Her name was Louise (pronounced Lou-E-za). She was hanging with two other girls, her Danish roommate Tilda, and this hot Asian/Irish actress named Vanessa (Asian with green eyes and freckles).
Being (at the time) in a relationship, I played defense and talked up the other two while Ran-D got to know Louise a bit more (This is how bro's help each other out).
Nature called and I had to plow back in through the overwhelmingly packed room slipping as nimbly as possible through the throngs of sweating bodies to the staircase. I slipped down them to the landing where the bathroom was, hit the head, and tipped the bathroom attendant. I looked at the amazing array of bottles, mints and tonics he had displayed on and around the sink. I noticed a bottle of polo. I was wearing polo (the blue kind) and this was the green bottle, so I figured it couldn't be much different and sprayed a little on myself. I couldn't smell it, so I basically doused myself with it (because I was drunk). Then it hit me, or hit my nose rather. This was probably the strongest cologne I have ever smelt, and now I was saturated with it.
I laughed at this, but left the bathroom and realized that I completely reeked of the cologne to the point where I couldn't even stand to smell myself. I was humming polo green and had to get the hell out of the confined quarters of this tiny hallway staircase.
I flew up the stairs and embarrassed by my stank (and I don't embarrass easy), I got outside as quickly as possible to try to air out my clothes and get some of the stench off of me. The outside temperature was frigid but if you stood next to the ceiling heaters built into the awning you would be fine, I opted for standing in the cold thinking that it would help dissipate the smell and the heaters might only cook and intensify it.
By now the party was going full steam, I was spending the majority of my time outdoors trying to keep the polo at bay, and talking up Ran-D's new Danish friends.
Josh came over and informed me that the afterparty would be at his apartment (which is a superswank doorman outfitted pad down in the East Village) and to try to drag some people along.
I grabbed this kid Carson, who I recognized from possibly my birthday party, or perhaps earlier in the night and told him Josh's request. We noticed two hot chicks in the most amazingly slutty outfits. After a two-second huttle we walked over and introduced ourselves.
Somehow within five minutes we were hopping into the back of a cab with these two bimbos (who's names I can now not remember) and shooting off into the southern night. Ran-D and Brett had persuaded the Danish chicks to come as well, and they were piling into a cab. The bars were closing down and the street was lined with cabs as we vanished around the corner I could see the rest of the birthday party breaking up into cab friendly groups and piling in for the trip to Josh's.
When we got there we brought the bimbos up to his apartment and the party had already started. Mike and Zack were already there and drunk off their asses and looked like they got rolled in an alley. They then filled me in on what happened.
Apparently, earlier in the night, when my brother and I saw the bouncers roughing them up, it escalated from there. They were arguing with the bouncers to let them get back upstairs. One of the bouncers was a little on edge, up and cold cocked Zack right in the face, splitting his lip and puffing up his cheek and eye. Mike and Zack were then dragged out and dumped on the curb both battered, bleeding, and bruised.
A cop outside saw the aftermath and questioned Mike and Zack. Within minutes cops stormed the place. The club (which has video cameras running nonstop in every room) either refused to show the police the tape of the incident, or somehow that 15 minutes of tape was mysteriously "erased." The bouncer who punched Zack was brought out in handcuffs and the club was fined $5000.00 for some violation of camera regulations or something.
So now the party was continuing in Josh's apartment. We cracked a few bottles of wine and were listening to music and enjoying the company of the bimbos, the Danes, and all of Josh's other friends that decided to roll along back.
One of Josh's roommates began to get pissed that we were making too much noise, being that she had to work the next day and told us we all had to leave in a half hour. One of the two bimbos decided that they (both of them) should leave immediately because they had a long trip back to queens so Carson walked them out.
The alcohol hit Josh with a knockout punch and, he said good-bye to all of us and then let us out so he could hit the sheets.
We (Brett, Ran-D, the Danish chicks and I) wandered down to the lobby where now Carson was making out intensely on one of the couches with one of the drunk bimbos, who apparently didn't have a ride home, and didn't know where the hell she was.
We all sat on the couches and started talking and continuing the party there in the lobby. A group of geeky guys wandered in to the lobby and started in on the conversation. They also lived in the building and we basically somehow invited ourselves into their apartment to continue the party there. These guys looked like they had never had girls in their apartment, so two Danish girls and one Asian/Irish actress would obviously be a coo.
This is also when we found out that these girls were all 19 and 20 years old and had gotten into the party by eating at the restaurant and wandering into the bar after paying their bill (hence avoiding the carding at the door).
We entered the geek kids' apartment, which was much bigger than Josh's being that there were 5 people living there. They offered us beers which some of us accepted, and others pellegrinos. We then sat at their mini bar chilling out while the girls coquettishly ate bananas that were sitting in a bowl. Then somehow (this always seems to happen at parties) we somehow coaxed Louisa and Tilda to kiss, and one of the Geeks snapped a digital picture. Parties and lesbian kisses always just seem to happen, it's like a given.
After which, the Danes, who were renting an apartment in Harlem for a few months, decided it was late and they should leave. Ran-D kissed Louise good-bye and Brett said good-bye to Vanessa with a measly hug and was left wondering what could have been.
Just another day in the life of an Art Juggernaut.
-Cojo