FAT KIDS HOUR 6-29-04
A few weeks ago (before my major deadline crunch and after my breakup) I was working constantly on about 4 or 5 major projects I had in house, yet had some leeway in my due dates and somehow fell into a very odd sleeping schedule (as I tend to do from time to time).
The hours I was keeping allowed me to "still be awake" at 6AM, and bursting with energy. It was at this time I would hit the gym for an hour or two to burn off the excess steam and calories, watching MTV WAKE UP, before taking a nap till around 3PM where I would wake, eat, and start work again.
Well, my body clock got thrown off for a few days because I became so overloaded with work that I had to skip the gym completely in order to draw, day and night (pounding six packs of sugar free Red Bull, Slim Fast cans, and 'a healthy dinner' as fuel) for about a week and a half straight in order to hit deadlines (loosing 10 lb. in the process). After this pile up of work temporarily subsided, I decided to make a return trip to the gym.
It was around 3PM, a time I had never worked out before, but I hadn't exercised in a while and was full of energy so I needed to hit the machines. I figured that the local schools would be let out, so there would probably be a high traffic of high school kids exercising, but I'd just have to work around them, and a little cheerleader booty on the treadmill in front of me could only be an added bonus.
I wasn't in there for five minutes when I noticed a fat little boy walk past the stationary bike I was pedaling. He was wearing gym clothes with a huge sweat stain down his cleavage (yes, I said cleavage) and down the center of his back. His fat cheeks were flushed, and his curly mop haircut was dripping sweat through and over a soaked head band. He was carrying a towel in one chubby hand, and a waterbottle in the other.
Now when I say kid, I mean somewhere in the 5-7 year old range, and when I say fat, I mean MAURY POVICH SHOW fat! Like the kinda fat where the kid has fat rolls on his shins, and needs assistance getting into a chair.
It kinda weirded me out for a second, then I looked to my right and on a tread mill next to me was a little fat girl, I'd say 6 years old, and with the torso of a very large beer keg. On the treadmill next to her was her fat mom rooting her on "You go Tina, you are doing it, GREAT JOB!" Tina, AKA keg body, was treading at Speed level 1, which is about as fast as a turtle can walk backwards.
I then looked around, and to my astonishment, the gym was full of MORBIDLY OBESE CHILDREN! I felt like I was in the twilight zone, or Ronald McDonald's wet dream. You hear about this fat kid epidemic on the news, but you might not believe it. I guess I haven't been to the malls in a while, so I didn't know how true the fat kid thing really was. It's like baby pigeons, you never see them, so you don't believe they really exist.
I got off the bike and walked over to my favorite cardio exercise, the cross country ski machine. Within seconds of stepping on it there was a little fat kid staring at me. He wasn't on a machine, he was just standing there on the floor, just a few feet away, just staring at me.
I plugged in my earphones to the machine so I could hear the TV's and try to ignore this kid and hopefully he would go away. I looked down a few minutes later and the kid was still there. He was giving me a desperate "PLEASE FEED ME!" look. Like I was hiding candy and if he gave me big puppydog eyes I would pull a snickers from my pocket or something.
I shrugged at him, like to say "I'm sorry, I have no candy."
I went down to the basement to lift some free weights where the little kids weren't allowed. After my sets, I went back up, got changed and left. On the way home I made a vow to myself that I will never go back to the gym at Fat Kid hour again.
Watch the animation above,and when you do, imagine the song "I'm sorry Ms. Jackson" setting the beat.
Just another day in the life of an Art Juggernaut.
-Cojo