MERRY FUCKING XMAS! BY LISA "CHASE" PATTERSON 6-9-04
It was Xmas eve and my mother was throwing a huge Xmas party, the problem was, my sisters boyfriend was sick and she wasn't going to enjoy herself cause her pookie wasn't there (gag).
I was there with a blind date my sister and our friend Natalie had set me up with, Dennis, he seemed nice, but I wasn't convinced. Natalie was there with her boyfriend, so my sister was feeling left out, and came up with the bright idea that we should drive her to her boyfriend, Stephen's house so she could bring him dinner.
Into Dennis's car we piled at about 10pm on Xmas eve. Run DMC was on the radio (OK maybe it was a little more than 10 years, but I'm already feeling old so shut up!) and the night was crisp. When we got to Stephen's, we parked on a side street, while my sister took the plate upstairs.
We sat in the car, Dennis and I in the front, and Natalie and her man in the back. Music blasting, smoking cigs and cracking jokes. While everyone was talking, I had a moment.....you know those moments when time slows down and you don't hear anything but your instincts become crystal clear?
I saw a car pull up right next to us, and it double parked with its rear parallel to the hood of our car...that was clue #1. There was no way we could pull out, they blocked us in. The 2nd clue was the guy who got out of the passenger seat with the sawed off, the guy in the back seat on the right who got out with the shotgun and the guy in the left back seat who got out with what I can only call, a Clint Eastwood gun.
Time got so slow, it felt like it took me 10 minutes to turn my head as I said in slow motion...."it.....looks....like.....those....guys.... have... guns....."
Everything snapped back into fast forward as the sawed off was slammed into the car window two inches from my head and dude screamed "Get the fuck out the car bitch before I blow your mothafuckin head off!"
I struggled to get the car door open, but for whatever reason, the handle and my fingers could find no common ground and I froze. The cat on Dennis's side of the car said, "Get the fuck out," in a low voice, and Dennis said, "Man I know you ain't gonna take my car, I just bought this damn thing two days ago."
"Are you deaf?!" asked Dennis's new friend with the shotgun. Dennis actually looked like he was considering NOT getting out the car! I grabbed his arm, "I can't get my door open, could you please get out," he looked at me and came to some silent decision, opened his door and got out.
As I scrambled across the seat and jumped out, I noticed Natalie and her man standing near the rear of the car. Clint Eastwood was methodically emptying their pockets, her pocketbook, and relieving them of their jewelry and leather jackets. Dennis reached back in the car for his leather trench, (and I found out later, his wallet in the glove compartment with this weeks (cashed) paycheck in it)
"Leave it, just walk away" said the shotgun. Sawed off, with his hand shaking like an epileptics chimed in with "Walk away, muthafuckas, walk away."
I had another slow motion moment as I realized that sawed off was probably a junkie, and the other two didn't seem to mind if we walked or were ready to die. Clint Eastwood walked up to me, took in my NYC lower east side oversized men's coat and my silver jewelry...he lifted up my silver necklace with its cross on it and said, "I don't want this shit, start walking." He didn't have to tell me twice, I grabbed Dennis's arm and practically had to drag him away from the car, where he actually had the balls to keep responding to the dude with a shotgun in his face.
He kept running his mouth so much, that "sawed off," came around from the other side of the car, slammed the barrel up to Dennis's head and just kept screaming over and over again "WALK muthafucka WALK!"
I let go of Dennis, and started walking. That crack on the head must have knocked some sense into his dumb ass cause he started walking with me. The only thing that kept running thru my head was, "These cats are gonna shoot me in the back!"
To make an already long story shorter, Dennis lost his brand new car, leather coat, all his jewelry, two weeks pay and everything else in the car. He later told me that he had a gun under my seat, and when he went to reach back in the car that's what he was reaching for.
Needless to say that was the last time I spoke to his dumb ass. Natalie and her man lost their coats, money and all their jewelry.
Me, I lost nothing, at least nothing physical. However, I gained the knowledge that anything can happen....anyplace, anytime....even Christmas Eve.
--==Chase==--
Lisa "Chase" Patterson
CEO, Meridian Entertainment
Editor In Chief, Demographix Magazine
www.planetmeridian.com