COPS, JAIL, ETC... 3-6-04
Last night I opted out of partying with a group of friends to finish a personal project I had been neglecting because of all the deadline work I've had recently.
After just finishing the project at 3:00AM I got a phone call from one of the people I could have been partying with. It seems my friend's sister's friend's ex boyfriend (dig that relation) got arrested early in the wee hours of the morning (while I was working) for DUI. Of course, being that they assumed I would be sober because I had stayed home, and because none of them were, my friend asked I If I can go and pick the ex boyfriend of his sister's friend up from the police station. Being a good guy, and sober I said "Sure, no problem."
The kid I was to pick up doesn't like me for some reason or another and generally ignores me, which suites me fine. But I figured "What the hell?", rather than let him rot there in the hokey, I did the right thing. Little did I know he got pulled over in hillbilly country, and now was being held at a hillbilly police station.
A girl, let's call her "Rozz" who was this kid's lifelong friend wanted to come with, so we piled into one of the drunk kid's cars. I took to the back roads being that it was the directions she was giving me.
It was a windy car trip up dense fog covered hills and valleys. Over or on top of a mountain (I couldn't tell for sure cause of the visibility) and through miles of woods. Trekking farther and farther into the New Jersey boonies and away from civilization than I care to go.
I was squinting through fog so thick I couldn't see 20 feet in front of me so I had to pace myself. There were also deer, either lying dead in the road, or crossing the road, it seems they were oblivious to cars, especially in the fog. Ah, deer, New Jersey's potholes.
Finally, after completely missing the police station on the first pass, I had to retrace my steps and try to find it. I turned around redrove the road and eventually I pulled into the first thing that I saw that didn't resemble a private residence.
At 3:45 AM I parked in front of his little hillbilly police station and looked around for the way in. Now, this place was seriously in a bumblefuck town, as in, the town consists of the police station, a fire department, a shed with a few ambulances, and a rickety old general store.
I knocked on the door and Cop #1, who I will refer to as "Officer Bubba Gump" answered the door.
COJO: "I'm here to pick up Ex Boyfriend of my friend's sister's friend-kid who dislikes me."(I actually said his name, but I'll leave that out of this for anonymity.
In fact, to make it easier I will just call him Ted.)
COJO:"I'm here to pick up Ted."
Bubba Gump nodded and let me in.
(Author's note-I wrote this story in two sittings, the second sitting being the drunken night of St. Patricks day- here is where the first sober half ends. The question is, can you tell the difference?)
I passed Bubba Gump and saw Ted sitting on a bench.
"Hey Ted." I said.
"Have a seat." Bubba Gump said to me.
This urked the cops because I assume since they had Ted there all night they thought they were going to get a better reaction from me. Like the kind of reaction they would get from a disappointed mom or something. I think this is the part of their job that really makes their night, cause they were all like watching with bated breath to see what I would say when I saw him.
They all looked disappointed by my reaction, almost like they wanted me to enter again and show more emotion, but I hardly knew this kid, and I already knew that he didn't like me, so it wasn't like I gave a shit.
The other cops which I will nickname "Downsyndrome Hutch", and "Roley Poley Piggy" then asked for my license, and after having been handed it walked away to process it, or photocopy it, or whatever hick cops do in little stations that are off the beaten path and not clearly marked from outside.
Sitting on the bench next to Ted I turned to him, noticing there were handcuffs on a bar on the wall behind him I asked him "So, did they put these on you, or were you a good kid?" Ted then decided to talk very loudly.
TED: "This is all BullSHIT! They don't have anything on me! I didn't do Shit! This will look great in court when I fight this SHIT! I didn't do SHIT!"
And on and on...now, I knew this was retarded. This kid Ted is a total meathead, but what could I do, I was pretending to be his friend.
Retarded Hutch called me over and I walked up to a line of file cabinets. Retarded Hutch handed me some paperwork and said "Read this and sign the bottom." So I read it,, it basically said that I would be responsible for Ted for the next 24 hours and if he got in a car and killed someone then I was responsible.
Now, I'm thinking, wait a second, I don't know how retarded Ted is. What if he does something stupid? Am I willing to go to jail for this little drunk retard?
Well, I signed it, cause I just wanted to get the hell out of there.
So we walk out of the station and instantly Ted starts yelling FUCK! And saying how bullSHIT it was. How he only had two beers but refused to take the breathalyzer test.
COJO: "So, if you were legal, why didn't you just take the breath test?"
TED: "Because I probably would have come up over the limit."
Ted's mood quickly changed when he thought about his job. Apparently Ted had a business he had started and owned, also, the majority of the work involved him driving trucks somewhere, and now these cops were going to suspend his license for a year or something for this offense. So that's when Ted started freaking out in the car.
I was driving, Rozz was in the shotgun seat, Ted was in the back, and he started going off.
TED: "I'm ruined..it's all over. My FUCKING business is dead. These FUCKS have ruined my business. I have no reason to go on now. My FUCKING life is over. This is pointless!"
Then he decided that he would kill himself.
TED: "When I get home, I'm going to blow my head off my shoulders. I have a shotgun that's loaded. My friends always ask why I keep it loaded, I say for huntin'. But what the hell, I really have it to one day kill myself, and this is the day. I'm going to blow my FUCKIN' head off my shoulders."
"Rozz" was at this point trying to calm him down, but it wasn't working
TED: "You don't get it, my life is FUCKING over! I can't wait to get home and splatter my brains on the wall. My head is coming off my shoulders tonight, you will read about it in the papers tomorrow, believe me! I'm not shitting you...yadda yadda."
He went on like this for 10 minutes.
By now I'm wondering why I bothered to pick this little lunatic up. Also by this time I decided that I would not respond to any of this kid's threats of suicide. I don't know him well enough and couldn't talk him out of it anyway. I'd let his lifelong friend do the talking.
Then, from out of nowhere Ted decided it was the cops that deserved to die.
TED: I hate that Mother Fucker! I wish I would have punched that mother fucker in the face! I'm going to take my mom's car, go back there with my rifle, burst in there and kill all those mother fuckers! Then kill myself. FUCK IT!"
Now I started to get worried. If this little panty waste goes and does what he said he would do, I'm responsible for him, and the last thing I need is a shot up police station and some dead cops on my record. It's one thing if he decides to off himeself, but c'mon.
Rozz says she's going to his house with him, I told her "don't let him get in any car, or handle any shotguns." She nodded in agreement, by this time her eyes were all swelled up with tears because Ted was relentless in his repetition of how he can't wait to off himself when we drop him off, and how his head would be off his shoulders etc. etc...
When we finally got back, I dropped them both off. I then went home, talked to his ex girlfriend and told her to go to his house and console him. She left, and I went to sleep.
--Cut to St. Patrick's Day. I stopped in the local Irish pub tonight and there was Ted sitting at the bar drinking, head fully intact on his shoulders as before. I said, "Hey Ted" and patted him on back as I walked past... he ignored me as usual.
Just another day in the life of an Art Juggernaut.
-Cojo