COJO IOWA PIMPIN' PART TWO 3-3-04
I walked up to the stage, there was a giant 12 x 10 screen to my left as I stood at the podium with my name "COJO" on one line, "ART JUGGERNAUT" on the next, projected in 3 foot by 4 foot type. I gripped the podium as their applause died down. I took a quick glance over the crowd. I could see that they were all judging what I would do and say next. I looked down at my grip and noticed it was sort of shaking. I opened my mouth. Nervously I began to speak:
"Um....I don't know what you guys were expecting....I'm...um... just here for the free pizza....so...." I got some chuckles, and some people I could tell, didn't get it and were in unease. They didn't know if I were making a joke or were about to bilk them outta all the money they spent on me. Which made me laugh inside, but I had to go on.
I got more into my comedic material, of which I won't bore you with now, deleting jokes as I went along. One joke I kept in went something like this.
Cojo: "I came in from New York this morning making a stop over in Chicago, and let me tell you about Chicago. Chicago was freezing, I'm talking really cold. I mean that was hours ago and my nipples can still cut glass (I gestured as though I were rubbing my nipples as I said this-chuckles from crowd). Seriously, I have one word for Chicago...HEATERS! (I said loudly as I motioned both hands out as though I were demanding it). "
This got a good response, and the audience was now chuckling, if not laughing, and were on my side.
I was then going to make a joke about possibly somebody from Better Homes and Gardens lending me a trowel or a crowbar so I could dislodge my frozen retreating testicles from my stomach cavity, but decided to skip it.
I went on and then got to the presentation part of the lecture. I went through the slides explaining a little of each one. Dropping anecdotes here and there about the rappers I have collaborated with on certain projects. About deadlines, and corrections I have had to do for different projects for strange reasons. Jobs I got in weird circumstances. When I was lecturing the art students in Milwaukee the year prior to this I felt maybe I went a little too long with my descriptions of the pieces so I kept the explanations short and sweet. It was a fun time.
After I concluded the slide show I opened it up for "Questions From The Audience." From my Milwaukee experience, I already knew that this was my favorite part. The time ya get to teach young artists things they won't get taught in Art School. Things a student wanting to one day be professional, would want to know straight from the mouth of someone who's where you want to be.
I found when I was a student that when we had guest lecturers and we could ask them questions at the end of the presentation, that's what taught me more than months of classroom lectures. You get the straight dope from the guys who are doing it and succeeding.
So in the mindset of giving back, I'm totally straight with these kids. Tell em how it is etc.. It seems mostly they want to know how long it takes to do a piece, how much the average piece pays, how you get new clients, how do you promote yourself, etc, etc.. All good things an artist coming up should know. I dig lecturing, it's hella fun.
By this time I was totally relaxed and had loosened up, I was lazily leaning on the lectern, with all nervousness gone. To my surprise, there were hardly any questions. I had to badger the crowd and coax them into asking some. "C'mon, Milwaukee had more questions then you guys! "
After the lecture I put out a book for people to sign and give me their e-mail for this list, so to all you IOWA peeps, WELCOME TO THE ARTSUCKS UPDATE!
++++ as an added bonus just for you new Iowa readers, I coincidentally just did a project where I had to make a representation of the state of IOWA! Whomever responds back first-and lives in IOWA, with a mailing address, you'll win the original pencil art of the piece, and it will be signed and sent to you along with the finished piece printed in a magazine also signed to you.++++(author's note-this was won by Amina Ali)
After the presentation I was surrounded by a mass of girls.
"You aren't going to write bad things about the girls from IOWA are you?" They asked coyly.
"I haven't even met you or hung out with you, how am I supposed to write something bad about you?" I replied.
This is that magic time when after one hour of talking to a crowd, you magically evolve from a "nobody" eating pizza, into a celebrity. Everybody was asking questions and being all sweet. This is how actors and musicians must feel whenever they go out in public. "Art celebrity" is a different thing all together, in that, everyone knows your work, but unless you talk to them, or they know what you look like already, they will never associate your face to your work.
The agenda for the night was: Jason, Jared, this guy Rawley and Myself were going to go to a bar along with who ever attended the lecture and wanted to tag along.
The error in this plan being, a majority of the girls A.K.A. a majority of the audience was under 21, so hence, couldn't come. So a few legal aged girls came along, and this guy Kent.
We went to some brewery, which I didn't get to sample the brew opting for a Miller Light. They had free billiards in there so we shot a few games. The guys were wanting to leave because the place was pretty dead, so we said good bye to the girls and Kent and hit one of the only big weekday attractions in Des Moines. A world famous strip club called THE LUMBER YARD!!!!
Now I've been to many strip clubs in my time, and in my line of work I've seen many beautiful women (C'mon, Look at who I work for) and I have to say, the women in the strip clubs in IOWA, aren't the hottest chicks on Earth. But they are pretty close! Also, after wondering all day if there were any minorities in IOWA, my question was answered at the strip club, that's where they all work, as strippers! We had a kickass time there, and I would suggest for anyone visiting a midwestern state, check out their strip clubs, the prices are 1/10th NYC prices, and the chicks are more laid back.
We got completely sloshed (Well I did at least) on the Miller Light case we brought to the strip club and since the other guys had to get back home for work in the morning we left damn early. They dropped me off at my hotel with a full barbecue chicken pizza and some pop, and said good-bye. I took a bath, and then went to bed watching some B horror flick sitting in my boxers in the center of this giant bed drinking pop from the bottle and eating the most delicious pizza ever, ah, the pimp life.
In the morning I was awoken by the room service order I had placed the night before. In my drunken state I had apparently ordered enough food to feed a family of five. I just nibbled on things from all the different meals. I must have been still drunk because I sat eating this giant meal watching teletubbies and having a grand old time.
I put on my swim trunks and went downstairs and spent a few hours hopping from the pool to the Jacuzzi and back again. Went back up to my room and packed my clothes, got in the hotel's complimentary shuttle to the airport, and next thing you know I'm back in NYC watching everybody loves Raymond while sitting in a white stretched limo on my way back home compliments of the ADAI.
Thank you to all the people who wined and dined me, and did me right in IOWA. Art Directors Association of IOWA rocks! Thanks to Jason, for schlepping me around, and everyone involved. It was dope. I got home the night of the 17th and spent the next 2 days sleeplessly burning on finishing those three 3 panel jobs for Maxim UK, due on the 19th, and thanks to my perfect planning, I got em done just in time for the deadline...finally crashing in an exhausted heap and sleeping the blissful sleep of the dead.
Just another day in the life of an Art Juggernaut.
-Cojo