BALLSPLITTING FUN PART THREE 8-4-04
Finally, the story from the man himself, Davey G-
Do you want to hear a ball splitting story? I know I don't !
Little intro about myself: at times I do things without thinking or if I know it won't kill me, I do it. I call this trait "being reckless" which often gets mistaken for stupidity. In this case I have to agree with the latter.
This story you are about to read I do not brag about or condone it to be on the internet, but it's a bit late for that.
In the summer of 96' a very traumatizing event took place for me. My two friends Cojo and Ink wanted me to hang out with them and go thrift shopping. I am not a thrift shopper, but I don't hang out with Cojo and Ink often so I went along.
We left early in the morning, heading out to Pennsylvania from New Jersey. The night before I got out of work late (McDonald's) so I was tired.
During our thrift shopping we went to a variety of shops. Cojo and Ink were having a good time, I wasn't. I was kind of drifting quietly in thought from time to time thinking about my soon to be girlfriend who was in the hospital getting surgery done. I should have been there for her but I wasn't.
When my friends were done shopping it was early in the afternoon. I wanted to go home, I was so tired from the lack of sleep and the getting up earlier for this venture. We were close to the Stroudsburg mall and Ink said he wanted to check it out.
The mall was dead and there wasn't much to do. I started up a conversation about this stupid new fad "Freestyle Walking" that I saw on MTV. "Freestyle Walking" involves doing tricks off of walls and other objects while pretending that you are on a skateboard. I was pretending to do this as a joke because I thought it was so lame and I was bored out of my mind.
Cojo and I had to go to the bathroom, so all of us were trying to locate one. Cojo and I went down this hallway in the mall and Ink followed. We assumed there was a bathroom down there. While Cojo and I were walking down this long hallway we stopped, looked at ourselves and instantly thought of the same thing. We grabbed each other’Äôs sleeves of our t-shirts and were slamming ourselves against the wall, going back and forth. It was meant to be a reenactment of that movie T2 that was still big in 96'.
It was that scene where the old terminator (current Gov of California) was smashing the new terminator into the walls in the back hallway. I thought it was so funny and cool because it was like we read each other's minds. When we were done we were still laughing our asses off.
Before entering the bathroom at the end of the hall there was an old couple that came in the backdoor to shop. The old woman was holding onto her old man. The old man was a retired police officer and was very put off, flashing his badge thinking that Cojo and I were actually fighting. He caught us off guard and we couldn't stop laughing. We tried to explain to him that we were just joking. It was useless. He lectured us and said the mall is for shopping and not for horseplay. All of us were like "whatever" and went into the bathroom.
Cojo and Ink were using the urinals to piss and I was using the bathroom stall with my back to them pissing. I was talking a lot of trash about the old gentleman that we just encountered; little did I know that 2-3 mall cops had just entered the bathroom. They heard me talking my head off and banged on the stall. I thought it was Cojo or Ink so I responded "What do you want dick?"
I soon found out that the person that was knocking on my stall was one very angry mall cop! One out of my two friends should have warned me about them perhaps. Anyway, because I was being so obnoxious, they literally dragged me out kicking through the backdoor of the mall.
Cojo and Ink followed. At this point in time I was enraged and demanded to go home. The mall cops insisted we leave anyway. On the way out of the parking lot I told Cojo and Ink to wait a minute, I was going to call my girlfriend.
I made multiple attempts to reach her but the operator couldn't put me through to the hospital. Not getting through to her pissed me off even more! I stormed away from the payphone and passed my friends.
I felt like punching a wall, I had to release my emotions or I was going to explode. I saw a cement pole in the parking lot marking a handicap spot. My plan backfired on me as soon as I tried to jump up onto the pole then kick off of it to release my rage, a catharsis if you will.
As soon as my foot reached the tip of the pole I slipped and my shin hit the pole first, then I landed on it with my crotch.
When I hit the ground I curled up in the fetal position. Cojo and Ink ran up to me to see if I was OK. I wasn't. I couldn't move. I told them to pull the car around. While I was lying there in unbelievable pain it felt like hours had gone by. I remember some people stopping and asking if I was OK. When the car finally got there I crawled in. None of my friends helped me get into the car.
While I was in the back seat, the pain seemed to abate. I was examining myself to make sure I was OK. My left shin had this big gash and was bleeding. Cojo was driving his mom's car and I was looking for something to stop the bleeding. The only thing I could find that was useful was a spare tampon! Can you believe that shit!?
As we were leaving the mall I was feeling content and more relaxed. A few minutes later after I caught up with myself I wanted to check out my crotch area to make sure that I was OK down there as well.
I didn't think anything of it. I unzipped my pants and had my balls in my hand. What I saw then scarred me for life both physically and mentally. The right side of my nut sack was torn open about an inch. I put my junk away then started yelling "GET ME TO A HOSPITAL!"
Cojo looked back and saw my horror, looked at Ink and then back at me. He must have said "Oh shit." a million times. Ink said a snide comment, something about if I lost my balls. All of us were freaking out, and Cojo was driving at a much faster pace.
We were driving in an unfamiliar area, but somehow we found a hospital in a matter of minutes. The wait time wasn't as fast. I had to waste about an hour until they called me in to see an E.R. doctor. While I was waiting I had this serious question constantly repeating in my head "Can I still have kids?"
While waiting in the E.R. I do remember a mom running in with two kids under each arm that got stung by bees and were allergic. I got in soon after. Once I had a room it took another hour or two for the doc to see me. One of the first questions out of my mouth was about having kids. The Doctor said that the cut was superficial and he was sure that I could have kids.
Cojo and Ink stopped in one time to see how much longer it was going to be. A female nurse came in next to check out my nuts, she gave me a shot to numb the area and told me the Doc. would be in soon. The Doc. came in and sewed it up. When the procedure was done, someone brought me out in a wheel chair to the waiting room.
-Davey G
Just another day in the life of an Art Juggernaut.
-Cojo