COJO FAN GONE WILD 11-6-03
I was just going through some of my old computer sticky notes trying to clean my desktop up a bit because I'm upgrading my operating system, working on finishing up a Maxim strip, and listening to some THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS, and I found a "lost update."
It's an update I wrote in early September but never sent out. I thought you might find this amusing because if you remember my VMA story with the whole Britney Spears rant, this was just a few days after that and it is involved in this. Check it - (the fan's name has been changed to Britney Balls, to protect his anonymity)
You might remember I was unfortunate enough to have been too exhausted to make it out to the VMA afterparties. I instead watched it on TV. A fan, this guy I've never met wrote me and told me what happened at one of the parties. I asked if I could put his e-mail into my update (which was a courtesy, I could have just put it in there without asking). He said he wanted to rewrite it first so I said no problem. He rewrote it and I set it up with a little title and posted it.
In his "report" he made a few allegations that I decided, since I don't know him and don't want to be sued, I should toss a legal disclaimer in the update after his report. It went exactly like this:
- - -An update reader/ photographer sent me an e-mail about one of the parties he went to, one I was invited to actually. I asked him if I could print it in the update to show you what could have been. I gave it a snappy little title and volia! **
-published w/ his permission.
NOTES ON LOTUS-VMA AFTERPARTY REVIEW 2004
by-INDEPENDENT PHOTOGRAPHER- Britney Balls-
"I ended up at 2 parties---but the best was LOTUS--I met so many people--AVRIL LAVIGNE (not a nice girl -she THREW a BOTTLE at my friend earlier that night as she and KELLY OSBOURNE snuck away together for a cozy bite at RAYS PIZZERIA on 22nd steet!!) I also met AMY LEE (Evanessence--SUPER COOL) THE DONNAS -the Lead singer chased my friend down the street and was wrestling with him, she was very drunk haha), LINKIN PARK, GOOD CHARLOTTE, rapper C-LO. I also met NIKKI HILTON. PARIS HILTON was drunk as hell when she left really late! I got pictures with most of these people and some cool solo candids if they come out. I ran into AVRIL again at the Lotus party and she made sure to ignore my request to take a photo. Not nice Avril!! I did get a shot of her and kelly together anyway.
I also met: IGGY POP who was also Super Nice!. His date was a hot Porno actress. I dont know her name (if she wasn't a porno actress --she LOOKED and DRESSED like one hehe)
METTALICA( did you know LARS was wearing a FAKE beard all night!! The beard he wore at the VMAS is FAKE--he left for the show CLEAN SHAVEN)
DAVE MATHEWS-he didnt go to the VMAS-i just ran into him.
--I SAW BRITNEY SPEARS-she didnt STOP to talk to any "little people" ha. Photos will be developed soon....
At the end of the night we ran into HILLARY DUFF who was Super Nice to me. I asked to get a photo with her and she put her face right next to mine..kinda funny.
But the highlight for me was meeting MATT STONE and TREY PARKER--creators of SOUTH PARK--who posed for photos and then TREY gave me his home address where I could send in a Spec script to SOUTH PARK. So I will see if my Dream will come true.
All in all it was a very successful day. I was going to skip the VMAS this year when I woke up, but I said, OK--one more YEAR. It was worth leaving the house today. hah."
-Britney Balls
- - - (please note that accusations and statements made by Britney Balls- cannot be confirmed by myself,and are therefore hearsay. Trey Parker probably gave Britney Balls- the address to the local One Hour Photo, Comic Book Shop, or Dairy Queen in his home town.)- - - -
That's it, that little two sentence disclaimer set him off, and eventually I had to just dump him from the update list.
Here are the 3 consecutive e-mail's he then sent me after receiving the update with his report in it (and now you know why I write this stuff myself)
In a message dated 9/10/03 1:51:31 PM, Britney Balls- writes
SUBJECT: YO-YOU DISSED ME
- - - - Yo--I didnt expect you to DISS ME as a LIAR or WORSE.. by saying TREY PARKER gave me a FAKE address--its his HOME address or at worst his office. (And he told me to include the photo of me and him to ensure he would READ my script) would you like to bet the address WORKS for TREY- - - -
its not "the photomart or local gas station" or whatever dissing remark you made . Apologize to the whole list and me. or BET as much as a spec episodic would pay. I feel being dissed badly is worth 10-12K. How can i PROVE i have the address--i will scan the adress he wrote in his hand and the sketch he gave me.../as well as send a photo of me and Trey and Matt for proof. AFTER i submit a script--which is NOT ready at all--could be 2 months--i will get a RESPONSE and then PROVE i am not full of shit. . In any case--i KNOW he didnt fuck with me---as you think/imply he did and i am willing to BET on it as much as they would PAY for a 22 minute episodic. Put up or apologize. Britney Balls-.- - - -
In a message dated 9/10/03 1:55:13 PM, Britney Balls- writes:
SUBJECT: PS
- - - - I was GOING to let you publish some of my personal photos of the VMAS- i am getting them developed tomorrow-but now i have to worry you will DISS me again..so I wont send any cool photos over. You might imply I didnt SHOOT them or something. I am honest...i didnt say BRITNEY was hanging out with me-Did I? i said she ignored me--just like AVRIL..if i was a bullshitter i would say "I partied all night with Avril and britney and Chrisitna". I thought you belevied my article--if you didnt--you could have just OMITTED what i wrote about MATT and TREY. SO let me know your WAGER/OFFER to prove i have a REAL address./ Britney Balls- - - - -
In a message dated 9/10/03 1:59:05 PM, Britney Balls- writes:
SUBJECT: Not
- - - - It isn't to the office--that address is 2049 Century Park East, Thats NOT the address TREY gave me--so its ewither his home address or his personal office/agent., NOT a supermarket or something. lets wager. - - - -
While sitting in an Internet cafe in Brooklyn I read these e-mail's and laughed out loud. The guy sitting on a computer next to me looked at me weird. I just couldn't help it. I mean this line is the best:
"Apologize to the whole list and me. or BET as much as a spec episodic would pay. I feel being dissed badly is worth 10-12K. "
What kind of logic is this? This is Wile -E- Coyote friggen logic:
"Oh,, here it is, my plan will work. I will write a script and it's a win win situation! If I sell it,, then I will get twice what it's worth! If I don't sell it and get rejected by the South Park guys, I still get the full price of what I would have gotten from that sap Cojo, It will be as if I had sold it even if I don't...I am a genius....sheer genius!! Wile -E- Coyote..SUPER- GENIUS!!!!"
If I wasn't going to talk about this in the next update I was thinking of just posting something offhanded like:
"Since my last update I've gotten tons of e-mails requesting I give them Trey Parker's home address so they too can send him spec scripts. I have given them all the address of the McDonalds in Times Square. Well, I figure the McEmployies can peruse them while they are waiting for the burgers to cook or something."
I don't know this guy mind you. I have never met him or even spoken with him on the phone. Ever since my update titled "COJO IS PAPARAZZI" he's, I guess believed that I am paparazzi? And somehow thinks he is, even though he doesn't get paid and is really one of those guys who waits out in the cold to get autographs from celebrities, and then brags to me about it,, I have no clue who this guy is! That's why I thought it would be humorous to print his report, humorous to me, because I knew the backstory.
I wish I would have saved some of his sporadic old e-mails. He feels compelled to tell me who he got autographs from and what not. I do have a few still sitting in my mail box, let me dredge them up. Well just before the VMA's he sent me an e-mail
"do yo know which hotel Johnny Cash is staying in?"
I sent him back "I have no f'ing clue."
Just after the VMA's he sent me this:
"Did u know MIKE JUDGE was in town yesterday!! I didnt go to meet him--i found out today--the animation festical--damn--i missed meeting him!! -Britney Balls"
One I erased a while back was like:
"waited all night outside the Charlies Angels after party, Drew Barrymore came out falling down drunk around 3 in the morning. I took a picture of her in her car giving me the finger. I hope it came out, it might not have because it was really dark and I don't know if I had the flash on, get developd today, we will see. If it comes out, who do you think I should try to sell it to? Do you have any hook-ups? Wish me luck! -Britney Balls"
One I got from him I wish I had saved went something like this:
" guess who I met today, I bet you can't! That's right, Bob Dylan! The man who doesn't 'do interviews. I hung out with him outside his hotel for like a half an hour! He's super nice! Eat that man!! -Britney Balls"
Well, so after he sent me those post VMA e-mails and I got back to my computer I sent him this e-mail:
Re: YO-YOU DISSED ME
In a message dated 9/11/03 5:13:25 PM, IamCOJO writes:
- - - - Britney,
Your multiple e-mails about dissing and wagering and whatnot were funny.
I didn't diss you, If you have read any of my updates up until now you might remember that I write about events, but I have fun with the writing, and give it a comedic edge. I write for Maxim remember?
I could have just stuck a legal disclaimer in the middle of my update so I wouldn' t be sued for libel by printing allegations of Not nice girl Avril throwing bottles at people and etc., but that would be lame and break the comedy flow. Thus, I wrote the legal disclaimer, then made a funny twist to the end about the fake address (a play on when someone tells you they got a number from a girl and it starts with 555, or when you call it you get a dunkin donuts).
I have actually gotten an overwhelmingly positive response already to this update. Do you know how many thousands of more people now know your name, Britney Balls, and how many thousands of more people are jealous of you & your profession?
Everyone knows I'm just goofing, I wouldn't have printed your report if I didn't think it was true.
So lay off the drugs.
-Art Juggernaut
-Cojo
www.cojoart.com - - - -
To which he replied the following morning:
- - - -In a message dated 9/12/03 1:18:35 PM, Britney Balls- writes:
IamCOJO writes:
- - - - Do you know how many thousands of more people now know your name, and how many thousands of more people are jealous of you & your profession?
- - - -
NO i dont tell me?
"lay off the drugs'
another diss...
- - - -
To which I finally respond the next morning:
- - - -
NO i dont tell me?
"lay off the drugs'
another diss... - - - -
Britney,
Do you watch South Park? If you did you would understand comedy a little.
You might understand then the difference between a diss and a joke. I did you a favor by putting your words in my update, be happy with that, I don't do it often, and I did it to show the readers what I missed and that I was jealous of your experiences because I just stayed home. Your little retelling punctuated my staying home as a bad decision. That was it's purpose. Nobody read it and said, hah that Britney Balls dude is a moron. They all thought, doh Cojo is stupid for not going to that party cause look at all the fun he could have had.
You don't deserve an apology, If I apologized to anyone it would be Ms. Spears who I drug across the galleys by her pubic hair in that last update. You on the other hand got read by a few thousand people. I gave your writing a moment in the spotlight..something I never do in my updates..and for this I get sh!t on,, give me a break!
If I really wanted to make you look foolish I would put your e-mails about Betting and Wagering and my reply e-mail in my next update and make fun of those, which would be so easy. But that would be pointless because I think (even though I don't know you) that you are a seminormal person who doesn't need to be made fun of, and maybe just didn't have your caffeine before you got all pissed off and flew off the handle.
As for your VMA photos, I only post my own photos of Celebes. This isn't US Weekly, just my own shots, or shots of me & or me with Celebes or artists. So don't send your friggen snapshots and quit acting like a bitch.
If you want to be dropped from the update list let me know, I don't need people pissed off at me on my fan list.
Lighten up= Lay off the drugs = cool your jets= chill out= relax etc..etc..etc..
-peace
-Art Juggernaut
-Cojo
www.cojoart.com
-
A few days later I dropped him from the update list.
And I am posting it now, because after rereading the whole crazy thing over, I realize that it's pretty damn funny. When this goes online, I will go back and edit the original update so it says Britney Balls there too, so this guy won't get nailed with tons of hate mail. If you still have his e-mail address from when I sent out the old update, like maybe you saved the update for some reason, please don't e-mail this dude, I WANT TO LIVE, DAMMIT!
Anyone else go through weird crap like that with a "seminormal" fan?
Enlighten me.
And Britney Balls, if you are reading this sometime in the future when the Update Site is online and fully functioning, please consider this an apology for dissing you, then and now. Please don't come after me and hunt me down like a psychofan you might see in a movie or read about. You're cool by me, and I'll look forward to seeing your episodoics of Southpark, or whatever other show you end up writing for.
Just another day in the life of an Art Juggernaut.
-Cojo